Sunday, September 11, 2016

ties of hate and ties of aloneness

There's the cliche that hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is.

Hate still makes you think of the person and is an intimacy just as much as you can think of them out of love.

Interestingly, aloneness follows the same structure. To be noting the absence of the beloved and one's feeling of loneliness is something that keeps you close to the object too.

There are several patients I've worked with that have brought up the idea of letting go of the aloneness (pain) they feel because they might forget the former beloved. This is said as if the moments of love and oneness that were felt ("the good times") aren't strong enough, or aren't the memories that will be missed. This is probably not too important, and the issue is really that they want to hang onto the pain. They want to think of the moment of separation and the pain that this brings than really mourn.

With those who hate, there is often a conversation of forgiveness that takes place, but what about those who want to hang onto the pain of separation?

Do they blame themselves for the lost oneness they had in love? Do they have to "masochistically" forgive themselves for becoming "out of sync?"

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